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Laughter Zone | Friday Funnies (text)

The Lucky Hero

An ugly man walks into his local pub with a big grin on his face.
"What are you so happy about?" Asks the barman."
"Well, I'll tell you," replies the ugly man. "You know, I live by the railway. Well, on my way home last night, I noticed a young woman tied to the tracks, like in the movies. I, of course, went and cut her free and took her back to my place. Anyway, to make a long story short, I scored big time! We made love all night, all over the house. We did everything, me on top, sometimes her on top, every position imaginable!"
"Fantastic!" exclaimed the barman. "You lucky guy. Was she pretty?"
"Dunno...Never found the head"

BBQ A Mans Way

When a man volunteers to do the 'BBQ' the following events are put into motion:
1) The woman goes to the shop.
2) The woman fixes the salad, vegetables, and dessert
3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils, and takes it to the man, who is lounging beside the grill, beer in hand.
4) The man places the meat on the grill.
5) The woman goes inside to set the table and check the vegetables.
6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning.
7) The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman.
8) The woman prepares the plates and brings them to the table.
9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
10) Everyone praises man and thanks him for his cooking efforts.
11) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off." And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.

I Will Survive Read and Sing it.....if you can :)

I Will Survive,

At first I was afraid, I was petrified,
When you said you had 10 inches I almost died, But I'd spent oh so many yrs
just waiting for a man that long, That I grew strong, And I knew that I
could take you on. . .

But there you are, Another lie, I was ready for a big mac and you've bought me a French fry, I should have known that it was bullshit, Just a sad pathetic dream, Should have known there was no anaconda lurking in those jeans.

Go on now go, Walk out the door, Don't you promise me 10 inches then turn up with only 4, Weren't you a prat to think I wouldn't catch you out, Don't you know we' re only joking when we say size doesn't! count.

(Chorus)

I will survive, I will survive, Cos as long as I have batteries, My sex life is gonna thrive, I will always have good sex with a handful of latex, I will survive, I will survive. . .hey . hey

It took all my self control not to laugh out loud, When I saw your little weiner standing tall and proud, But to hell with all your ego's and to hell with all your needs, Now I'm saving all my lovin for a cordless multispeed,

Go on now go, Just make a dash, Last time I saw a prick that small was watching Gladstone run nude hash, I should have asked for confirmation, Should have asked for referees, Then I wouldn't have you waving that wee winky thing at me.

Go on now go, Just hit the track, Don't you bring me home no tiddlers,
Cos I'll always throw them back, The only thing that I could do with a prick as small as yours, Is to stick it with a tooth pick Dip it in tomato sauce.

(Chorus)

Go on now go, Get out of my sight, I'm going back to my appliance,
Cos I know it's length is right, And if I ever see your tiny tockley at my door, You'll be counting up your inches as you pick them off the floor.

Phil and Eric....and the Logical Scientist

Two builders (Phil and Eric) are seated either side of a table in a rough pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar. The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit.

Phil: - I reckon he's an accountant.
Eric: - No way - he's a stockbroker.
Phil: - He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!

The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Phil and he makes for the toilet. On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal. Curiosity and the several beers get the better of the builder.

Phil: - Scuse me.... no offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living?
Suit: - No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession.
Phil: - Oh ! What's that then?
Suit: - I'll try to explain by example.... Do you have a goldfish at home?
Phil: - Er .. mmm . well yeah, I do as it happens!
Suit: - Well, it's logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it?
Phil: - It's in a pond!
Suit: - Well then it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden then?
Phil: - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden!
Suit: - Well then it's logical to assume that in this town if you have a large garden then you have a large house?
Phil: - As it happens I've got a five bedroom house...built it myself!
Suit: - Well given that you've built a five bedroom house it is logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are quite probably married?
Phil: - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and three children.
Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis?
Phil:- Yep! Four nights a week!
Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate very often?
Phil: - Me? Never
Suit: - Well there you are! That's logical science at work!
Phil: - How's that then?
Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about your sex life!
Phil: - I see! That's pretty impressive...thanks mate!

Both leave the toilet and Phil returns to his mate.
Eric: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?
Phil: - Yep! He's a logical scientist!
Eric: - What's that then?
Phil: - I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?
Eric: - Nope
Phil: - Well then, you're a wanker.

The memory man

Dave the scouser is touring the US on holiday and stops in a remote bar in the hills of Navada. He's chatting to the bartender when he spies an old Indian sitting in the corner - complete with full tribal gear, long white plaits and wrinkled face.
'Who's he?' asks Dave
'That's the Memory Man,' says the bartender. 'He knows everything. He can remember any fact. Go and try him out.'
So Dave wonders over, thinking he won't know about English football, asks: 'Who won the 1965 FA Cup Final?'
'Liverpool,' replied the Memory Man, instantly.
The tourist is amazed. 'Who did they beat?'
'Leeds' comes the reply - again, as quick as a flash.
'And the score?'
The wise brave does not hesitate: 'Two-one.'
Thinking that details may fox him, Dave tries something more specific.
'Who scored the winning goal?' he asks.
The Red Indian doesn't even blink: 'Ian St John'
The Liverpudlian is flabbergasted and, returning home, he regales his relatives and friends with his tale. But it's not enough - and soon he's determined to return and pay his respects to this amazing man. Ten years later he's saved enough money, and returns to the US. After weeks of searching through the towns of Navada, Dave finds the Memory Man in a cave in the mountains - older, more wrinkled, resplendent in his warpaint and headdress. Humbled by his vision, the scouser steps forward, bows and greets the brave in the traditional native tongue: 'How.'
The Memory Man squints at him.
'Diving header in the six-yard box.' he says.