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Laughter Zone | Jokes

Pimp

Did you hear about the dyslexic pimp?.... ..He bought a warehouse.

What's in a name?

A bloke is on an aeroplane when he see's a beautiful woman sitting in the opposite aisle. He notices that she is reading an article about penis sizes, so he decides he'd better go and introduce himself. He walks across and says 'what ya reading?'
'well' she says, 'it says here that Native Americans have the thickest cocks of all men. And that Polish men have the longest cocks of all men. Oh I'm sorry I didn't get your name...'
'Tonto Kowalski' he smiles.

Blonde cookies

How many blonde's does it take to make chocolate chip cookies?... Six. One to stir the mixture, five to peel the smarties.

The Dozy Parishioner

A woman who is embarrassed by her husband who is constantly falling asleep in church goes to the Priest for help.
The Priest says 'look love, if he falls asleep again poke him with this hat pin. I'll nod to you as a signal if I see him dropping off.' The woman agrees to the plan.
So Sunday rolls around and sure enough good old Mr Jones nods off again. The Priest notices and asks, 'Who is our saviour?' then nods to Mrs Jones.
She pokes her husband and he wakes up and shouts 'Jesus Christ!' the priest, pretending to be impressed says 'very good'
A full three minutes later, Mr Jones is asleep again. The priest again notices and asks, 'What is the name of Jesus's Father?' before nodding to Mrs Jones.
She pokes her husband, who screams 'GOD!' at the top of his voice. The priest again congratulates Mr Jones on his alertness and continues preaching. However, during the sermon, he begins nodding enthusiastically, which Mrs Jones mistakes for a poking signal. The priest then says 'and what did eve say to Adam after she gave him his 99th child?'
Mistakenly Mrs Jones pokes her husband who shouts. 'If you poke that damn thing into me one more time, I'll snap it in half and shove it up your arse!'

Female Paratroopers

Why do female paratroopers where Jockstraps? So they don't whistle on the way down.

First Erection

What did Adam Say to Eve when he got his first erection?
'Stand back! I don't know how big this things going to get!'

Christmas Balls

What do Christmas Tree's and Priest's have in common?
Their balls are just for decoration.

Big Girl

Arnold is in Bed shagging his big, fat wife when the phone rings. He answers and says 'Could you call back later. I'm in the tub'

Wank

What's the difference between an egg and a wank?
You can beat an egg.

Fanny

What do you call a fanny on top of a fanny on top of a fanny?
A block of flaps.

Thermometers

What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?
The taste.

Tall Order

A milkman is doing his deliveries when he finds a note attached to a customers door saying 'I need 45 gallons of milk'
The milkman knocks at the door and a beautiful dumb blonde answers.
'Is this a mistake?' asks the milkman.
'No' she says, I was watching a talk show and they said that bathing in milk is a good aphrodisiac.'
Really? replies the milkman. 'Do you want that pasturised?'
'No, up to my tits will be fine' she says.

Three Hard Rats

Three rats are relaxing in a bar. After a few jugs they start talking about how hard they are. The first rat says 'when i woke this morning there was a matchbox of rat-o-kill outside my hole. I ate the lot and didn't feel a thing'
After a short pause and a few more drinks the second rat chips in, 'When i woke this morning there was a big rat trap with a prime piece of cheese for bait. I stepped up, caught the bar on my back, ate the cheese and slipped out without even a bruise.'
At this, the third rat gets up and heads for the door. 'Where are you going?' ask the two rats. 'Ah, I'm bored here. Think I'll go home and shag the cat again'

Sick Joke

Two buckets of sick are walking down the road when one starts crying. 'What's the matter with you' asks the other bucket. 'I was brought up down that alley replies the second bucket.'

Help from the locals

Hopelessly lost, a businessman approaches a local in a village. 'excuse me' he says, 'but what is the quickest way to York?' 'Hmm' comes the reply, 'are you walking or driving?' he asks. 'I'm driving' comes the reply. 'hmm yeah, I'd definately say that was the quickest way'

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